The Sage Sayers

Sorry, but not really. How to decline unnoticed tasks, without offending.

With work burnout rates at record highs, the delicate art of saying 'no' to favors or extra tasks feels vital, clients tell me. What strategies exist to state that boundary and still look like a helpful star? This article explores reasons for saying 'no,' different ways to view the social norm of saying 'yes,' and ways to decline with grace.

Explore why to say 'no'

Taking on extra tasks can serve and distinguish us well. But too many thankless tasks (beyond our normal work description I mean) obstruct our growth. We remove the bandwidth and energy for more noticeable tasks and we risk burnout if agreeing to every request.

When it comes to work favors, we must also consider gender balance. The research shows women and men will likely ask a woman vs. a man to do favors because they assume she'll say 'yes.' And whereas both genders view a man favorably if he declines performing a favor, the opposite happens for women. Carnegie Mellon economics professor Linda Babcock (who co-authored the research with other female researchers) created a "I just can't say 'no' club" to help support each other to say 'no' more often.

Challenge the negativity around saying 'no'

Wonderful research surrounds the social awkwardness and anxiety we often feel when declining extra requests or favors. Vanessa Bohns, an associate professor of organizational behavior from Cornell University, finds we typically default to the social norm of saying 'yes' vs. 'no' because it feels easy going along with what others ask of you. We accept without thinking and feel embarrassed saying 'no.'

Nor do we want others to view us as impolite. In saying no, we might worry we're challenging the integrity or concept of the request—or even the person themselves. When none of the above rings true; we simply lack the bandwidth, energy, or know we're not the right person to ask.

We might also misjudge the situation when we're feeling anxious or overwhelmed. Shirzad Chamine, author of Positive Intelligence, notes that our inner judge can judge ourselves, others, but also the situation. When someone asks us to do something and we're angry, drained, or stressed out, we might assume (wrongly) the task will take forever, burden us, or we're really letting our team down by saying 'no.'

Experiment with ways to say 'no.'

You know your culture best; but if we have some strategies in place, declining a request for a favor can still earn you good will. Consider the following:

• Use helpful language as you say no; but then hedge and decline. E.G. I'd love to help with that ask. Let me consider it for you...

• Bottom line the reason for the decline so you sound strident. E.G. While I'd love to help, because that ask falls out of my team's (or my) scope, I'll decline. But let me double check.

• Consider vulnerability and/or transparency. In these singular times, offering insight into your stress levels might help vs. hinder work relationships. E.G. I'd love to, but one more task jeopardizes my current workload. (And manage the self consciousness that might come over you.)

• Offer a counter idea that removes the need for the ask in the first place. Innovate together. OR, if solving a problem becomes the ask, re-route the bearer of the task to someone who can help.

Incorporate strategy on which asks to say 'yes' to

If you fear serious ill will from saying 'no,' fret not. We've strategies to consider including:

• Say 'yes,' lightly; but wait to see if the task/project fizzles out before acting. Remember: Research shows 95% of product innovations fail. What's the ratio of project failure at your company? Become a curious anthropologist at idea generation meetings which delegate a lot of work. Notice which projects fade out and use that insight to gauge your response.

• Bargain. If the task bearer chose you over others because you're the best or most efficient for the job, ask to not attend senseless meeting(s) or hold off on other tasks. One client (in a maxed out moment) told his boss, "I'd love to do ABC, but from this list of tasks you've given me, which one takes precedent?"

• Take a moment to ground yourself through PQ reps, meditation, or a break. Review the situation once more from a place of love vs. fear to decide what's best.

• Understand what's behind your discomfort of saying 'no.' What's the fear behind any discomfort? Fear of poverty? Loss of acceptance? Disapproval? How does pleasing others serve (or not serve) you? Start there.

When the next extra request lands on your desk, now you've a sense of how complying may or may not serve you, some interesting ways to view saying 'no, thank you,' and ways to decline politely. Enjoy freeing yourself up!